


As Easy As Falling Apart

by ApolloAttraction



Category: Young Avengers
Genre: Background Relationships, Established Relationship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, M/M, Other, Polyamory, shifting pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-25
Packaged: 2018-02-26 20:53:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2665994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApolloAttraction/pseuds/ApolloAttraction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Loki hides their gender issues from the people they care about most.<br/>And those people find out anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cracks in the Mirror

It started Monday. They were sitting in the kitchen, having breakfast. Tommy walked around the room, gaining speed as he opened and closed the fridge, the freezer, every single cabinet, and glared at the spice rack above the stove before loudly proclaiming that there wasn't anything to eat.

 

Billy had his head down on the counter, trying to remain alive after two days with almost no sleep and two final exams' worth of anxiety. His grip on the bright red coffee mug in his hand tightened and he grumbled something.

 

“Sorry, couldn't hear that over my wailing stomach,” Tommy quipped as he zipped over to the fridge and opened it again, as though food would magically appear (it wouldn't have been too much of a surprise if it did, either, considering who their roommates were.)

 

“He said it was your turn to do the shopping,” Teddy supplied from where he stood, massaging Billy's tense shoulders.

 

“Oh,” Tommy paused in the middle of the room and scratched the back of his head as he thought. “Tell me again why we don't just let magic lad and his trickster side kick supply a never-ending fountain of food?”

 

Billy's grip on the mug tightened again, it looked as though it might shatter if things got anymore intense; Tommy was oblivious. Teddy rolled his eyes, but answered nonetheless. “Because, we all agreed that we were going to act like mature adults who took part in real, adult activities, such as _shopping_ and _bills_.”

 

Tommy replied with some half-thought retort. Loki placed his elbow on the counter and rested his chin in his palm, ready to put his silver tongue to use in order to save Billy's mug, Tommy's life, and breakfast as a whole. The words he was going to say got lost when he felt the stubble on his face. He frowned and ran a hand over his chin; after spending so much time in a prepubescent body, he often forgot about adult issues like shaving until it was too late.

 

While Loki pondered his prickly jaw line, Teddy saved the day and agreed that they would all go out together and show Tommy how to do the shopping. (Tommy had claimed he didn't want to shop anymore because they always complained about the ridiculous amounts of Mountain Dew and pizza rolls he bought.) Loki grabbed a box of disposable razors while they were at the store.

 

He spent Monday night with Tommy. Needless to say, nothing got done, not even the shaving. So, on Tuesday morning he got up early and tried to remember how to shave without leaving a thousand microcuts behind. He succeeded, barely. Billy was first out of bed, and he caught Loki by the mirror. He slung his arms around the trickster's waist and rested his head on Loki's shoulder. “Sorry I was such a grouch yesterday,” he apologized and nuzzled his face sleepily against Loki's face. “Oh good,” he mumbled before the other brunette could say anything. “I was beginning to worry that you'd get really into the beard thing, like Noh-varr.” Loki made a face and Billy laughed before leaving him alone with his reflection.

 

Loki quirked an eyebrow as he looked into the mirror. “Noh-Var, huh?” He was slighter that his other teammate and much less interested in classical earth music. Still, he touched his jaw and thought of shifting into something similar to the Kree's shape, just to mess with Billy. He pictured himself as taller, broader, more sharp and squared; unease filled his stomach. He erased the thought and stayed slight. Still, as he looked at his reflection, he noticed that he was still too broad and too angled, even in his most-used form. 

 

He walked to the kitchen, still uneasy. Billy was hovering over the stove with a box of pancake mix. Teddy walked in moments later and planted a kiss on the demiurge's cheek before taking a seat at the island with Loki. A whoosh of air and all the cabinets simultaneously opening and closing announced Tommy before the speedster ever landed at his normal perch on the counter (because he couldn't ever just sit at the island like a  _normal_ person.) The morning banter picked up. Things went on as normal. Loki still felt unease roiling in the pit of his stomach.

 

It got somewhat better as they all fell into their daily routines. It was easy to forget while washing dishes, vacuuming the bedrooms, making lunch. Still, in all the in-between moments, Loki touched his hair, his jaw, his hips. It felt wrong. Even so, he kept her hair short and her chest flat.

_He_ had promised Billy that she would stay with him that night. Instead, Loki asked for some time alone. Billy looked hurt, but he was understanding. He was  _always_ understanding. Loki spent the night feeling guilty as she sat inside her room and shifted into a more comfortable form. Her hair grew, laying in semi-curly waves that crested just above her breasts. She took a deep breath, not realizing how heavy hiding had weighed on her.

 

On Wednesday morning, she changed back. Her hair went short, her chest went flat. She smiled as she went out to the living room to find Tommy sitting alone, playing video games on the flat screen tv. She sat down on the cushion beside him and snuggled into his side. Tommy looked over curiously, then swore as one of the enemies in the game got a critical hit. He finished out the battle with Loki against his side.

Billy same out of his room a moment later and frowned from the archway. “Tommy, you've spoiled him.”

 

Loki tried not to cringe at the pronouns.

 

Tommy paused his game so that he could give his full attention to Billy. He grinned and stuck out his tongue, “It's not my fault your other lover prefers me.”

 

“That's not true!” Billy protested quickly. “He's likes us both the same; he's explained it before.”

 

Loki cringed at the pronouns before she could help it. Billy noticed and faltered. Loki tried to fix it, “You're both so  _loud_ in the morning. I know Tommy's volume is stuck at eleven, but, please-  _whispers.”_ She rubbed her temples, feigning a headache.

 

“Oh,” Billy said, he seemed relieved, but still unhappy. Tommy glanced at her, but didn't say a word. Loki tried to forget how icky she felt in her current form and to ignore the pronouns. 

 

Really, she knew she should just explain, but every time she opened her mouth she found anxiety filling up her lungs where the air for words should have been. Each time, she closed her mouth and found something else to say. Billy and Teddy left for school. Tommy went to work. Loki retreated to her room and let herself breathe. Short hair, gone. Flat chest, gone. She hated hiding it, but she had kept it a secret so long that it didn't feel right to say anything. She'd built relationships on the idea that she was male, only male. She was scared of what would happen if she told anyone. On Asgard, it might be fine, but her midgardian lovers weren't raised the same and she'd heard some of the terrifying things that Midgardian's who were like her had to go through once they “came out.”

 

Maybe they'd accept her. Maybe it would be all the same, maybe easier. But maybe they'd see it all as another lie, and she couldn't-  _wouldn't-_ risk that. She'd made it through this before; she was going to do it again for  _all_ their sakes. 


	2. No More Hiding

Loki woke up Thursday and refused to get out of bed. She figured she could fake sick until she was a boy again. It would have been the perfect plan, except she never got sick. Billy came into the room and offered soup, snuggles, and Rocky Horror Picture Show (something they had bonded over early on in their relationship.) Teddy popped by to try and take temperatures and ask if there was anything from the store that might help. Tommy didn't enter the room so much as hover on the other side of the door occasionally. Finally, Loki just pretended to sleep so that they'd leave her alone.

It would have been a pretty good plan, but Tommy got bored. “Hey,” He said in what he probably thought was a whisper as he entered the room. Loki groaned. “Billy and Teddy left for that Yum Kipper thing.” She snorted at his pronunciation. “They're going to be gone until like 6pm tommorrow.” He flopped down on the bed beside her. “Want to hang out?

“Do midgardians usually drag their sick lovers out of bed?” Loki asked, voice laced with sarcasm as she turned her head to look at Tommy.

“Well,” Tommy grinned. “We could always just stay in bed.”

Loki shook her head, “Is there no end to your libido?”

“There is,” Tommy nodded. “We just haven't found it yet.” His grin faded to a smile and he looked up toward the ceiling. “You've been weird lately. Well, not lately; you're usually weird.”

There were a thousand quickwitted, clever replies dangling on the tip of her tongue, but he glanced over at her and she caught the concern in his eyes. “I'm-” she started, then floundered. “What do you mean I've been weird lately?”

Tommy shrugged and sat up. “I don't know; you're different. Like,” he sprung from the bed and started pacing. “It doesn't make sense, but you're moving different? And also: you don't want to hang out with Billy? I'm all for cockblocking him; it's not fair that he gets two cute guys. But Idon'tknow you usually spendmoretimewithhim-”

“Tommy,” Loki interrupted. The speedster stopped and looked at him. “I just have some stuff that's on my mind, that's all.”

“Cool,” Tommy said and hopped onto the desk across from the bed. “That actually answers nothing and I'm still sort of kind of worried, but cool.” He kicked his feet. “You're not actually sick, though, right?”

Loki rolled her eyes and sat up on the bed. “No, I'm not. And, yes, I'll hang out with you and keep your ridiculous, hyperactive butt entertained but no-” Tommy sped off and returned with a small duffle bag. “What's that?”

Tommy grinned, “We should go to the beach.”

“I don't know if you've noticed, but it's cold,” Loki said drily, but they both knew that wasn't an argument, even before Tommy stated the obvious.

“Not in Morocco. You can teleport, I can run.”

Loki sighed, “How about Vegas, instead?”

“Nice try,” Tommy laughed, “But I'm pretty sure you've been banned from every casino in Nevada.”

“If I went in another form...” She trailed off. This hadn't been her plan when she'd suggested vegas, but if Tommy would go along with it, it might be perfect.

Tommy visibly paused and looked Loki over. “Alright,” he agreed, his grin coming back full force.

Less than an hour later, they were settled into a hotel suite above one of the lesser-known (but still greatly frequented) casinos on the Vegas strip. Questions of where the money came from, or if they had even paid were not even asked as Tommy zipped around the hotel, finding snack foods and card keys. “Alright, are you ready to hit the floor?” Tommy dropped all his supplies onto the bed and looked over to the bathroom where Loki had disappeared. “Oh wow,” his jaw dropped when she walked out.

The dark green dress she wore had a sweetheart neckline and a cinched waist that accentuated every inch of her figure. A layer of dark lace on top of the glossy fabric gave her an heir of elegance and she looked a year or two older than she was, despite the shorter height she'd taken on. Her hair fell around her shoulders in loose waves and framed her pretty face. She didn't wear much make-up, just some lipstick and eyeshadow. Still, she looked stunning. She felt much better in this form, but the way Tommy was staring was making her uncomfortable. “You're going to catch flies like that,” She said and moved to the dresser to get her ID, just so she wouldn't be the object of scrutiny.

“Oh, sorry,” Tommy said and rubbed the back of his head. “It's just- you look amazing; I didn't expect you to be a girl. Maybe a big scary-looking guy or something, but definitely not a form this cute.”

Loki couldn't help it; she blushed. “It was the natural choice. They might recognize me if my form were male.”

“It was a great choice,” Tommy grinned. Loki smiled and then, without any warning, Tommy swept her off her feet and down into the casino. “Sorry, I couldn't wait to show you off.” They went through the casino. Tommy was, generally, horrible at betting. He didn't pay enough attention to the cards or the dealers, and he was terrible at bluffing. 

However, Loki made up for it by having a perfect poker face and great skill at reading people. They easily spent three hours angering dealers from all the tables before they went back to their room, laughing like crazy and debating on calling room service. It was the kind of fun that she could only have with Tommy, and she dreaded ending it.

Still, she found herself shifting back to her male form as soon the door to their room shut, and the fun died down as the dress became ill-fitting. “Help me unzip?” She looked over her shoulder to Tommy.

Tommy shook his head, “No, change back.”

“What?” Loki scrunched her brows together, confused.

“Just do it.” Loki switched back into her female form and gestured so as to say 'now what?' Tommy hummed. “You like that form better than the other one. You move better in it, too.”

“What? That's-” Loki started, ready to defend herself.

“Relax,” Tommy interupted. “I notice stuff. Girls hold their hands differently and walk differently than guys do. I mean, didn't think you actually wanted to be a girl, but this is the happiest you've looked all week.” 

Loki thought about keeping up the pretenses, about saying that she was just having fun and it didn't have anything to do with her form. She didn't. Because, even though she'd been scared to say anything, she was actually relieved that someone knew. “You're okay with it?” She asked, only a little timid as she sat down on the bed.

Tommy sat down beside her and nodded. “Yea. I wish you'd shifted a little sooner, though” he playfully elbowed her in the ribs. “You're no fun when you mope around the house.”

“Right,” Loki was a little suspicious; it couldn't be this easy, right? “And you're not mad at me for not telling you? I mean, you had all those hang ups when we were getting together and-”

Tommy rolled his eyes, “You think you being female would have made that easier? Nah, man-” She cringed. “Nah, woman,” Tommy corrected himself. “I was still avoiding feelings; it wasn't really about you.”

“Oh,” Loki frowned. “I guess I'm not as great at reading people as I thought.”

Tommy smirked. “I'm just too fast to read.” A moment of silence fell between them. Finally, Tommy asked, “So, are you going to be a girl all the time, now?”

Loki shook her head. “I'm only a girl sometimes.” Silence, again. “Are you going to tell Billy?”

Tommy raised an eyebrow, “Why would I? I know he's my bro, but if I give him all the answers to life, it'll stunt his growth. I think you should tell him, though. If not so he stops trying to figure out what he did wrong, then so you can stop hiding in your room.”

“It'll mess things up,” she said, feeling defeated. “Billy likes guys. And Teddy was already suspicious of me after the whole Mother incident; he'll probably just see it as another lie.”  
Tommy rolled his eyes and flopped back onto the bed. “Didn't they call you Master of Strategies, once? You're being pretty dense for someone supposedly clever. You're a guy sometimes, right? And Teddy is a shapeshifting alien; he'll get it.”

“Mistress of Strategies,” Loki corrected and frowned. “So, what, then Billy will only love me sometimes? And I'm not sure shifting between various male forms is the same as what I do.”

Tommy sat up and looked pointedly at Loki, “You're trying to protect yourself; I get it. But you've actually got some really great friends and lovers. Billy's still going to love you all the time; he just might not want to have sex with you all the time. (Which, really, why do you need him when you've got me?) and Teddy might not get the whole genders thing, but he does have some experience in feeling out of place in your own body. Take some time and think about it, but don't keep it all to yourself just because you're afraid you're going to be rejected. You won't.” 

He slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to his side. She relaxed into him, her mind reeling from everything he'd said. She stayed in her female form all day and night. When they went back to their house, she shifted back into her male form before Billy and Teddy came back from Yom Kippur. Tommy didn't say anything. Loki sulked around the house Saturday morning in his male form. “If you need to change,” Tommy whispered once they were alone in the kitchen together. “You can always come to my room, we can lock the doors; they won't bother you if they think we're doing something.” 

Loki smiled and thought about it for a moment, then shook her head. “No,” she shifted forms, her hair growing and her height shrinking. She walked into the living room and got curious looks from Billy and Teddy. She faltered for a moment and thought about turning back. Tommy walked up beside her and bumped their shoulders together. She took a deep breath, “We need to talk.”

By Sunday, everyone knew and they started talking about the details, like boundaries, pronouns, and whether or not she wanted a different name on her girl days (she didn't.) The world didn't fall apart and, more importantly, neither did her relationships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.shopplasticland.com/fashion/p/P40217802.html?utm_source=google_pla&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=cse&adtype=pla&sku=P40217802_XL&gclid=CKXZ78G9lsICFZeEaQodt1QAMA I was picturing a slightly modified version of this dress, if anyone cares.


End file.
